start here

start here

The Daily IKN email digest, get all daily posts sent to you next day (& no ads)

12/7/16

The IKN Blowjob Futures Market (FEL8)

Here's an idea that sprang from an conversation with a pal but before going any further, let's make it clear that even though IKN is an equal opportunities blog and is fully down with all things equality, for purposes that should become clear the focus group for this futures market is heterosexual males. It has to be this way.

The concept is simple enough; In our world of insincerity and constant two-facedness, there's a near obligatory duty to kiss the ass of people during your working day. It could be your boss, your colleague, your customer, your supplier or any number of other labour workday contacts, but whoever it might be there's that need to plaster on a smile and talk pretty to them at some point in order to keep them onside, no matter how you might truly feel about the jerkoff in question.

With this in mind, we reach stage one. Imagine if you will this situation:

1) A colleague, person X, needs to kiss your ass.
2) You need to kiss the ass of your boss, person Y.

In such a case you can simply cut out the middleman by sending the following mail to person X:

"PLEASE BLOW PERSON Y"

In one fell swoop you have just simplified your day without adding to the workload of person X or affecting the day of person Y.

Or another situation: You have done a good piece of work and two people behest to you feel the need to congratulate you (even though deep down they hate your guts and you know it). In such a situation you write a simple mail, CC'd to both people:

"PERSON X AND PERSON Y, PLEASE BLOW EACH OTHER"

Once again, your day is simplified with no detriment to the others in the equation.

In fact, the logic of the blowjob clearing house is so compelling that the concept can be easily expanded. Assuming blowjobs are fungible in nature, an exchange could be set up where one could buy blowjob futures (contract code FEL8) at which a person who needs to suck up to boss/customer/whoever just goes to, buys a blowjob futures contract and sends it to the target as a promissory note. The amount of time such a system would save the business world is incalculable! It would be one of the greatest innovations in productivity of the 21st century. The only thing to remember is to cancel out your futures contract before its expiry date, because if not the delivery day will be a bastard.