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At last! Real news!

"Colombian Penises Are the Fifth Biggest In The World"

So things have started well. We then click through to the report, found here, which includes this table (quick translation: "Largo" is length and "Ancho" is width or girth):

So Congo is da bomb, but you can clearly do much worse than hang around (geddit?) the Northern countries of the South America continent (or even Bolivia: it must be the apí). Later in the note we  also get a comparative girth measurement table as well (Ecuador does well), because that's important too. Apparently.